# Jokes for Chemists ! So funny :P



## Noxx

Found that on: http://www.chemistry-blog.com/

For those looking for more than a meet-up I present you with…
Corny Chemistry Pick-Up Lines: 

1. If I could rewrite the periodic table, I would put Uranium and Iodine together, for U and I!
2. What does it take to get over YOUR activation barrier?
3. I’m positive, you’re negative, let’s get together and make a compound!
4. My favorite element is uranium, because I love U!
5. It’s true that opposites attract. We’re like an electron and a proton, we come together and now we’re stable… and steady!
6. You want to see if we can make some new compounds from an “energetic” reaction?
7. You must be one of those new neon compounds with fluorine and iodine, because you are FINe!
8. If I were a Bunsen burner, you would be my flame, hot enough to melt a few things.
9. I got a charge out of bonding with you.
10. You make my atomic number rise.
11. You’re so cool, molecules stop in your presence.
12. I have mass. You have mass. We’re naturally attracted!
13. Hey baby, I’ll raise your kinetic energy.
14. You make me hotter than crystallizing a super saturated solution of sodium acetate.
15. You can hydrolyze me anytime.
16. You must be a good benzene ring, because you are pleasantly aromatic.
17. You’re an electrophile and I’m a nucleophile, we’re attracted and we can make each other happy.
18. You’re an alcohol and I’m your ketone. I’ll protect your from the Grignards of life.
19. You are a photon quanta to my valence electron. You excite me to a higher energy level.
20. Baby, quench me and work me up anytime!


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## tamerakshar

I like the first one.


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## Russmith007

Or some poetry...

Little Mary took a drink,
But she shall drink no more.
For what she thought was H2O,
Was H2SO4...


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## Noxx

Ouch...


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## wop1969

Noxx said:


> Found that on: http://www.chemistry-blog.com/
> 
> For those looking for more than a meet-up I present you with…
> Corny Chemistry Pick-Up Lines:
> 
> 10. You make my atomic number rise.




NICE! Im going to tell my wife that and see what kinda face she makes. LOL


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## Lou

Russmith007 said:


> Or some poetry...
> 
> Little Mary took a drink,
> But she shall drink no more.
> For what she thought was H2O,
> Was H2SO4...




The usual name is Little Johnny. Hence my friend LittleJohnnyH2SO4 we have here on the forum!

There are much better chemistry jokes than Mitch's at sciencemadness.org


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## Platdigger

Are you sure he is here Lou?

hope he didn't..........


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## Lou

You never know Randy, you never know.


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## Claudie

A chemist walks into a pharmacy and asks , "Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?"
"You mean aspirin?" asked the pharmacist.
"That's it," said the chemist "I can never remember that word." :|


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## kuma

A guy and his mate go to a resteraunt for dinner , and the waiter offers them a drink while they're waiting.
The first mate feeling clever askes ''I'll just have a galss of H2O please''. The second mate also feeling a little clever at this point askes ''I'll have a glass of H2O2 please''
rofl :lol: 
Back to my corner , :mrgreen: 
All the best and kind regards ,
Chris


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## Lou

I bet he'd go white after a sip of that!


As all the male chemists who work with me state:

"You know you're a chemist when you wash your hands BEFORE you go to restroom as well as after!"


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## Anonymous

Lou said:


> As all the male chemists who work with me state:
> 
> "You know you're a chemist when you wash your hands BEFORE you go to restroom as well as after!"


Some time back,I accidently splashed 32% H2O2 on my fingers.A couple of hours later I thought my world was coming to an end.My elbow and shoulder hurt so bad I could hardly move them.....
Guess who washes his hands THOROUGHLY before using the restroom?!?!?!


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## kuma

Lou said:


> I bet he'd go white after a sip of that!
> 
> 
> As all the male chemists who work with me state:
> 
> "You know you're a chemist when you wash your hands BEFORE you go to restroom as well as after!"



Hi all , how are tricks ? I'm deffinalty no chemist (working on it! :mrgreen: ) but I can quiet honestly say that after stripping computers the first thing I do everytime before using the toilet is wash my hands , as they're a bit grubby.
Can't imagine forgetting to wash after using any chemicals!  :lol: 
All the best and kind regards ,
Chris


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## Dr. Poe

Lou said:


> I bet he'd go white after a sip of that!
> 
> 
> As all the male chemists who work with me state:
> 
> "You know you're a chemist when you wash your hands BEFORE you go to restroom as well as after!"



I thought I made that one up twenty years ago when I got a thumb and finger print rash where no one would like to have it.
Dr. Poe


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## jimdoc

Are you a joke spammer? 
How funny!


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## Geo

physicist, biologist and a chemist were going to the ocean for the first time.

The physicist saw the ocean and was fascinated by the waves. He said he wanted to do some research on the fluid dynamics of the waves and walked into the ocean. Obviously he was drowned and never returned.

The biologist said he wanted to do research on the flora and fauna inside the ocean and walked inside the ocean. He too, never returned.

The chemist waited for a long time and afterwards wrote the following observations, "The physicist and the biologist are both soluble in ocean water".


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## Geo

Chemist's last words

1. And now the tasting test ...
2. And now shake it a bit ...
3. In which glass was my mineral water?
4. Why does that stuff burn with a green flame?!?
5. And now the detonating gas problem.
6. This is a completely safe experimental setup.
7. Now you can take the protection window away ...
8. Where do all those holes in my kettle come from?
9. And now a cigarette ...


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## Joeforbes




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## goldsilverpro

Joeforbes said:


>



Took awhile for me.


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## macfixer01

Here's another funny Chemistry Cat picture.


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## Claudie

If H20 is water what is H204?
Drinking, bathing, washing, swimming. . . . :|


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## 27182

For those of you who are familiar with Carol.


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## macfixer01

27182 said:


> For those of you who are familiar with Carol.




She can't find the "Computer Room" anymore? What was it a laser printer accident? A massive dual eye paper cut fiasco?


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## Grelko

Oh these are brilliant :lol: , let's see if I can make up a few.

You know you refine too much when...

You know exactly how many ml's your beverage cup can hold.
You go to a construction site and ask to borrow their cement mixer for a couple hours.
You warm up your food/drink with a hotplate.
You have actually taken a sand bath.
You can pay next months bills, just by dusting your lab.
The sound of a vacuum turns you on.
You drink your beverage out of a flask.
There's a copper bar sticking out of your freshly paved driveway.
Your backyard smells like a swimming pool, but you don't have one.
You need to replace your gutters every year.
You label everything.
You look for PMs in your PMs.
You can't wash the dishes because you melted all of your sponges.
You always carry an extra pair of gloves.
You let your bath water evaporate.
You own more than five crock pots.

You're walking slow, when your friend tells you to "get the lead out" and you say "I already did that".
Your friend text messages you, saying that you owe them $10, you reply back, Au, IOU5


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## Lou

Good ones ^


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## Grelko

Q. What type of bag does a chemist use.
A. PLaSTiC

Q. Do you give up when things get tough? (multiple choice)

a. Always
b. Sometimes
c. NeVEr

Q. Your friend has a glass of soda, but it has gone flat. What do you do (multiple choice)

a. Get them a new one.
b. Tell them to drink it anyways.
c. Run out to your lab to get a bottle of Co2


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## AndyWilliams

Lol, number 12, I would never, NEVER, tell a woman that she has "mass!" I think you lose everytime!


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## kurtak

Grelko said:


> You know you refine too much when...



You go to Walmart to buy a new hot plate & they ask if you want to buy the extended warranty & you reply --- only if it covers damage from corrosive acids

Kurt


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## goldsilverpro

Grelko said:


> Oh these are brilliant :lol: , let's see if I can make up a few.
> 
> You know you refine too much when...
> 
> You know exactly how many ml's your beverage cup can hold.
> You go to a construction site and ask to borrow their cement mixer for a couple hours.
> You warm up your food/drink with a hotplate.
> You have actually taken a sand bath.
> You can pay next months bills, just by dusting your lab.
> The sound of a vacuum turns you on.
> You drink your beverage out of a flask.
> There's a copper bar sticking out of your freshly paved driveway.
> Your backyard smells like a swimming pool, but you don't have one.
> You need to replace your gutters every year.
> You label everything.
> You look for PMs in your PMs.
> You can't wash the dishes because you melted all of your sponges.
> You always carry an extra pair of gloves.
> You let your bath water evaporate.
> You own more than five crock pots.
> 
> You're walking slow, when your friend tells you to "get the lead out" and you say "I already did that".
> Your friend text messages you, saying that you owe them $10, you reply back, Au, IOU5


Those are excellent!!! So funny but yet so very true.

I don't like this one, though - You drink your beverage out of a flask.. I do admit I've done that in my youth (beaker), but I stopped doing it a long time ago. I heard too many horror stories about people dying from drinking acids, etc., at least one of which I know to be true. When the only thing you can think of is where the hell that missing 2.3 oz of gold went, you can do some stupid things. My rule for the last 40 years is no food or drinks in any area where there are chemicals, period, if I have anything to say about it. One place I consulted for a few days, several people always sat around on sodium cyanide drums to eat their lunch.

How were the sponges melted - heat, nitric, or sulfuric?


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## Grelko

goldsilverpro said:


> Those are excellent!!! So funny but yet so very true.
> 
> I don't like this one, though - You drink your beverage out of a flask.. I do admit I've done that in my youth (beaker), but I stopped doing it a long time ago. I heard too many horror stories about people dying from drinking acids, etc., at least one of which I know to be true. When the only thing you can think of is where the hell that missing 2.3 oz of gold went, you can do some stupid things. My rule for the last 40 years is no food or drinks in any area where there are chemicals, period, if I have anything to say about it. One place I consulted for a few days, several people always sat around on sodium cyanide drums to eat their lunch.
> 
> How were the sponges melted - heat, nitric, or sulfuric?



That's definately a good rule, I heard some stories about that also. I saw a tv show years back, with a guy mixing together an acid and an alkaline "it was probably vinegar + baking soda", then drinking it afterwards. PLEASE, do not try this at home

I don't know how they would get away with sitting on those drums, let alone eating while sitting on them.

I was reading about a "platinum sponge" when I came up with that one, so they would have been melted with heat I suppose.

edit - spelling


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## goldsilverpro

> I was reading about a "platinum sponge" when I came up with that one, so they would have been melted with heat I suppose.


I was thinking about a cleaning sponge that you melted cleaning up sulfuric and were then unable to do the dinner dishes.


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## Platdigger

Now GSP, wouldn't that be dissolved, not "melted"? lol, now that is funny


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## g_axelsson

Grelko said:


> That's definately a good rule, I heard some stories about that also. I saw a tv show years back, with a guy mixing together an acid and an alkaline "it was probably vinegar + baking soda", then drinking it afterwards. PLEASE, do not try this at home


Back in high school I had a chemist teacher that did that with NaOH and HCl, 0.1M.

He used to start a basic course by talking about bases and acids, measuring up two beakers with NaOh solution and putting a piece of aluminium in one, bubbling along nicely while dissolving. Then two beakers with HCl and putting a piece of magnesium in one, also bubbling along nicely. Then he took the two pristine beakers and started to talk and while he was talking he poured them together and mixed them well, pouring between the beakers a few times and then without warning just drink it in front of the audience.
It was a very strong reaction from the audience but I don't think anyone ever forgot about bases and acids after that lecture. :mrgreen: 

He was a very good teacher and chemist and he knew what he was doing. He taught me more about chemistry than any other teacher ever did.

But I agree, DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME, or any other place as well.

Göran


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## jason_recliner

That's fantastic! I would have at least evaporated it and sprinkled it on my chips.

My math/science teacher that was demonstrating what happened when sodium metal met water. He put sodium into a gelatin capsule and dropped it in a warm bucket of water on the bench. After several minutes he looked over the bucket saying "Well, nothing seems to be happ..." **** WOOOSH ****

Few things are as funny to a 14 year old as your teacher's beard catching fire. Needless to say, don't try this at home.


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## UncleBenBen

jason_recliner said:


> My math/science teacher that was demonstrating what happened when sodium metal met water. He put sodium into a gelatin capsule and dropped it in a warm bucket of water on the bench. After several minutes he looked over the bucket saying "Well, nothing seems to be happ..." **** WOOOSH ****.



I had a science teacher in high school, young guy just out of college, who did the same thing. He borrowed the sodium from the chemistry teacher who stressed several times to use no more than half the size of a match head.

This fool stuck his knife in the jar and cut off a piece the size of my thumb and before I could yell NO! dropped it into a 2 quart aluminum pan of water.

Luckily the rest of the class took my cue and ran(we were outside). I turned around just as the oil was getting burned off the sodium and starting to flame and sputter. The young teacher panicked and went to kick the pan over just as it went off. And it was LOUD! Folded open the pan like a flower. Shook the whole school. The police and fire dept. came and the EMTs helped with the burns the teacher had from all the pieces of sodium he got splattered with.

I thought the chemistry teacher was going to kill him. For endangering us and for wasting his sodium!


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## Aristo

I see most of the good jokes Argon.


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## FrugalRefiner

Aristo said:


> I see most of the good jokes Argon.


That took me a minute. :lol: I was looking back through the thread for a member named Argon. :roll: 

Dave


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## upcyclist

Aristo said:


> I see most of the good jokes Argon.



Oh, how Iron for those days


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## Grelko

Aristo said:


> I see most of the good jokes Argon.



:mrgreen: 

Q. What is an E-refiners favorite snack?

A. Chips


Q. Why couldn't the E-refiner patch his clothes?

A. He processed all of his "pins" and needles.


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## Eamonn

"The Far Side"


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## Grelko

Q. What do refiners eat at the movie theater?
A. Popcorn with butter and PGM salt. *(This would be extremely poisonous, don't try it)*

Q. What is a refiners favorite pet?
A. Gold lab

Q. What game does a college refiner play?
A. Beaker pong.

Edit - What is a GRF members favorite game?
Table Hoke


Had to delete my double post also.


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