# ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS



## rewalston (Jan 18, 2012)

Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said that:

A one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

A two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and

A three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, One note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. · The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.

· My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.

· My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.

· I had no control over the drooling.

· Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.

· I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!


----------



## rusty (Jan 18, 2012)

Had yard sale when a buddy showed up buying the pellet riffle offered in my sale, one day visiting Wayne he had a bandage on his finger. Curious asked what happen.

Apparently he had loaded the riffle then set it in a corner of the shop, about a year later picked up the riffle then put his finger over the end of the barrel and pulled the trigger. Yup the gun was still loaded.


----------



## patnor1011 (Jan 18, 2012)

I know one real life Terminator. 
Me and friends got some of these pocket taser guns as they were cheap and fun to have. We tested them on ourselves of course, my experience was literally pain as if somebody thrust knife in your muscle. However as I said one my friend is real life anomaly as he did not felt anything or he was able to suppress pain. Point is that he said anyone can taser me for one cigarette. After about one hour, few wasted batteries he left with all of our cigarettes smiling. I cant say how he did that but he was only bit sweated. Tasers worked, we tested them on ourselves again and I had problem to walk home after that "testing".


----------



## jimdoc (Jan 18, 2012)

If you are ready for it, a stun gun isn't that bad. And if you are using it on a drugged person, or just plain crazy person it doesn't work so well either.

Jim


----------



## oldgeek (Jan 18, 2012)

back in the 80's, a buddy of mine liked to carry a stun gun in his pocket. He inadvertently triggered it one day while driving down the road, and ended up running off the road into the ditch. :lol:


----------



## Barren Realms 007 (Jan 18, 2012)

ROFLAO :lol: :lol: .

This was the best laugh I have had in a month, I would for get about the cat coming around you for a while. And I would say do it a couple more times and not have to worry about the doctor bill's for a vasectomy. 8) 

Be safe and you will recover with time.


----------



## jeneje (Jan 18, 2012)

Nothing like a good electric shock to get the blood pumping... :lol: 

Ken


----------



## joem (Jan 18, 2012)

Only a boy to become a man would do this. ( Very True Story)

In my neighbourhood, as a kid, there was a famous story of a boy too curious for his own good. This boy would always be in some sort of mischief and people many streets over knew who he was. on many summer days curiosity would take hold of this boy and he would do things like see what would happen if he smashed a 22 bullet with a large rock, see if he or any neighbourhood kids could run past ( unsuccessfully)a very large hornets nest while others kids throw rocks at it, or cross under a very large and long bridge from the underside 4 inch ledge, and even take the city bus to where he needs to go; hanging foothold onto the back bumber.

This day was no different and even goes down as a story passed along within our family. This boy decides to see what rattles inside a can of spraypaint. Inocent enough but his methods where beyond logical thinking. He took that can along with an axe my father kept outside into the next door neighbours yard. He spread his feet shoulder width apart, placed the can of red spraypaint( which was full by the way) between his feet. Raised the axe high over his head and came down hard onto a fully pressurised can of spraypaint. Well if that can did not just explode red paint all over him - head to toe- and even into his eyes.

He let out this blood curdling ( pun intended) screaming call for my mother - MAAAAA! MAAAAAA! MAAAAA! - All the neighbourhood kids called my mother Ma, and try to make his blind way through the bushed dividing the two yards. She comes runnimg out of the side door sees this kid covered in red and an axe in his hand, thinking what has this boy done now? "Cut his own bloody head off?" Her words.

Once she figures out it's paint, and in his eyes. She drives him to the Hospital to see if he can still see after this half a** attempt at being stupid (again).

This boy had to have the paint scrapped out from his eyeballs, yeah literally and seriously. He spent three days with eye patches on but luckily kept his eye sight.

As a side note my sister bought that house a few years later and there was still paint on the brick wall, windows, and tree.

Unfortunately that boy still went on to do many other things that could have resulted in bodily harm or even death, but I'm glad to say he grew out of "most" of it and goes by the GRF username Joem. LOL


----------



## Geo (Jan 18, 2012)

that almost beats the time i found some old dynamite and palyed with it till it was all gone (8 sticks about 10 years old and sweaty).i wanted to see what would happen if i filled a matchbox with loose dynamite and drop a big rock on it.well,it blew up and my mother picked small gravel from my legs for a week. i filled an old pepsi can (the steel ones,it was awhile back) and lit it.it went off like a rocket except it had no tail and only bounced and jumped till the fuel was spent.had us all running and jumping with it.seems we are all lucky to still be here.


----------



## rewalston (Jan 19, 2012)

You know Joe, I had a feeling I would see your name at the end of the post. I'm glad everything came out alright. 

Rusty


----------



## wrecker45 (Jan 19, 2012)

hey joem. you did that with a paint can and now your playing with acids. oh no.. :twisted: Jim


----------



## joem (Jan 19, 2012)

wrecker45 said:


> hey joem. you did that with a paint can and now your playing with acids. oh no.. :twisted: Jim



Youv should see how my family reacts to my spraypaint art :shock:


----------



## wrecker45 (Jan 19, 2012)

did you find out what rattles in the can. :mrgreen:


----------



## joem (Jan 19, 2012)

wrecker45 said:


> did you find out what rattles in the can. :mrgreen:



oh yeah. The spray can incident happened about 1979 then in 1990 some co-workers brought me a small odd shaped glass marble and told me never to try this again. :lol:


----------



## kuma (Jan 20, 2012)

joem said:


> This boy decides to see what rattles inside a can of spraypaint. Inocent enough but his methods where beyond logical thinking. He took that can along with an axe my father kept outside into the next door neighbours yard. He spread his feet shoulder width apart, placed the can of red spraypaint( which was full by the way) between his feet. Raised the axe high over his head and came down hard onto a fully pressurised can of spraypaint.






I'm so sorry I couldn't resist that one! :lol: :lol: 
All the best everyone and kind regards , 
Stay safe! 
Chris


----------



## macfixer01 (Jan 20, 2012)

To Rewalston, that story was absolutely hilarious. Thank you for the best laugh I've had all week!

macfixer01


----------



## lazersteve (Feb 1, 2012)

I'm a little ( well a lot :roll: ) late reading this one, but it was hilarious. 

Thanks for the great laugh!!

Steve


----------



## Jimmi_p (Feb 3, 2012)

Oh my God!!! I almost pissed myself laughing at the stun gun story. Thank you soooo much for that it has been a really rough day. 

I also have one to ad to the only a real man would do this catagory. I hope you enjoy this -

My buddy Scotty had just gotten off work. walks in the door to his grandfather and wife being all in a tizzy. When he inquires as to whats wrong they both start babling about some sort of giant angry opossumn or racoon. turns out that the critter had eaten/ chewed a hole through their floor and had gotten into there bathroom from the crawl space. The coon (as it turned out to be) was large and angry about being in his self awarded prediciment. He was tearing the whole room apart. There dog was going nuts and Scotty was needless to say overwhelmed.
Could you imagine? You have just worked all day in a muddy hole. You are tired. You are hungry and want to eat. And you are dirty as can be just wanting to take that hot shower just to feel like a human being again before you eat your dinner. 
Now imagine an angry growling 25 pound raccoon is standing between you and your nice hot shower. And not only that. The little bastard is literaly tearing the entire room apart!!!
Before I go any further twards the final outcome for the coon, Scotty and his bathroom. let me let you all know that scotty tried to coax/ push/scare the animal back out the hole it had created to get in there in the first place. Several times too. All to no avail.

On Scotttys last atempt to calmly chase this little masked terror back out The animal came jumping cussin and growling straight for him. Scotty had taken as much of the invaders crap he was going to at this point (and yess the coon had also crapped a few times in there without even so much as a courtesy flush)

Scotty went to his bed room and grabed his .22 and a single round of ammuniton. He went back in the bathroom meaning business this time armed with the gun a push broom and a plan. 

He knew where his water lines ran as well as all of the gas and electrical lines and decided what the heck. He was going to get the little "sucker" (Scotty used another pet name for the coon that begins with an f instead of an s). 

So, Scotty somehow pinned this angry intruder from the crawlspace to the floor in the corner by the tub. Carefully placed the muzzle of the barrel under the coons jaw. And with all the mess, in what used to be his bathroom It wasn't until the moment he fired his weapon that he noticed the full can of Barbasol Shaving cream directly behind the critters head. BOOOOOOOOOOM !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! painted his bathroom walls tub sink and his muddy tired self with splattered (and now pink with blood and coon brain) Shaving cream. I arrived right as the shot rang out! It has been around five years and I still call him the Barbasol Bomber every time I think about it!!! lol 
glad I could share this cautionary tale with you all. Remember, if you are planning on shooting an angry animal intruder in your bathroom, make sure he is not using an aerosol can for a pillow before you pull the trigger


----------

